Blank Space

I keep coming back to this space,
to this teeny tiny corner of the internet that I call my own,
and I watch the cursor blink and blink and blink,
and nothing.

Literally. For two weeks, I've just stared.
Blink. blink. blink. blink.

I need this space.
I love love love to write, but I struggle because sometimes I don't love love love to share.

Or I share, but then I feel guilty when I share only the good, like I'm holding up a reflection of our lives that is true, but not all the way true.

Or I share the hard stuff and then I feel guilty when I share only the hard stuff, because it's not all hard stuff either.

So basically, I always feel guilty, so then I type and erase and rewrite and erase and then I say screw it all, I need to be studying anyways, and I turn off the cursor and go back to my sometimes good, sometimes really hard life.

And today started with screaming and ended with screaming and had nothing but screaming in between. This  picture was our day. This was actually a different day when I was literally filming a melt down to show his behaviors to a doctor, but this was also today.

And you know what?

This pic actually was today.

This was screaming at the dinner table because his mouth hurt.

Because on top of autism, we still have the chronic disease that gives us nasty rashes no matter what we eat and believe me, I can read ingredients better than Superman can fly, and there was nothing on his plate that should have caused that reaction. Not one damn thing.

And sometimes I feel so alone in this battle.

So horribly alone because it NEVER goes away. 

And then my sister-in-law randomly throws me a lifeline. A reminder that I'm not alone. A reminder that she loves me and she's trying to understand what I go through.

And that reminder came in the form of this article she sent.

And this article nailed it on the freaking head.

http://nottheformerthings.com/2014/11/05/traumatic-stress-and-autism-mommas/

And while parts of this article make me terribly sad, parts of this article make me very hopeful. Because I am not alone in this. There are other moms out there, right now, struggling with the things I struggle with. There are other moms worrying and fretting and wondering what tomorrow will be like? There are other tired-to-the-bone, literally living on coffee mama's, and if they can do it, I can do it too.

We can do it together.

Even if we can't sit in a coffee shop and hash this shit out in real life, (because who has time for that right now) we can read each other's blogs and connect on facebook and rally for each other. We can pray for each other like we've never prayed before.

And we can remember that we have an AWESOME sister-in-law who know our lives are hard and sends us a lifeline at the exact moment we need one.

And speaking of living on coffee, I left school and headed to work the other day and I treated myself to a Starbucks along the way........

I don't know about you guys,

but this cup offends the crap out of me.

Hearts and Love?! 

Ugh.

Come on Starbucks, pull it together.

;) 

Holiday Cheer

Well Christmas 2015 has already come and gone.

It was a blur of final exams, shopping, wrapping, partying, celebrating, Christmas Eve Services, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

Normally we don't get out of Christmas Eve services until really late on Christmas Eve, but this year our church tried something different and our last service was at 4:30. We LOVED it. We came home, ate a nice dinner and then loaded up in our pj's and drove around looking at lights. This may be a new favorite tradition. We were going to take hot chocolate with us in the car, but it was like 90 degrees so we ran the ac while we listened to Christmas tunes instead. 

The next morning was a quiet morning just the five of us while we opened gifts.

Not sure what was happening here, but I think the excitement was too much for Isaac. Lol.

Santa brought a rock kit for Owen, all things football for Isaac, and American Girl accessories for the diva.

After eating breakfast and loading up the car, we headed to the mountains to spend Christmas with my parents and brother's family.

While there we did a lot of eating and some hiking too. The girls made scarves and enjoyed their cousin time.

Isaac even did some whittling like a true mountain man.....in his football jersey..... 

We definitely missed my sister and her crew, but enjoyed the time away from the stress of the real world.

Now it's back to studying and working and figuring out a new budget called the "Rachel is in school full time now" budget. Love me some good ole money debates. ;)

It's good times here. Good times.

These pics show the great parts of our holiday and there were plenty of smiles and laughter. But unfortunately there was another side too and it's called Surviving Christmas with Autism. My thoughts on that are more complicated and unsettling so that's another post for another day.

But for now?

We are wishing blessings and a Happy New Year to you and yours!

Gobble Gobble

We traveled to the OBX to spend Thanksgiving 2015 with Todd's family.

My favorite thing this year?

Watching these two:

My niece and my youngest? They're pretty darn cute together.

And Owen? He doesn't just give hugs to anyone. He'll hug when we prompt him, but it's incredibly rare to get unprompted snuggles.

We caught him hugging on Kenlee several times because he trusts her and feels safe with her. She's good to her "Owen Head."

I did a horrible job of taking pics. As usual......

But here were some other favorite moments:

Lip Sync Battle? Oh yes. This is definitely going to be a new tradition. Hilarious.

Cooking up a storm with my sil? Always a favorite!

Impromptu boat rides? Awesome.

Bonfire on the beach? So fun.

 Todd and his parents cramming in the back seat of the car so we could make Kevin "jealous" of Golden Boy? Always a fun competition......

Playing the Rate Your Love for the Dog game with my father-in-law? (Cooper isn't always a fan favorite due to his need to sometimes mark his territory and his love of people's dirty underwear and socks.....) so it has become quite humorous to torture my father-in-law with pics like this and ask him if Cooper can come sleep with him and Grandma?

(I think Grandma would have loved it as she also likes to sneak Cooper on the furniture when Todd's not around. Lol.)

Anything I get to do with this girl. And I do mean anything. 

I promise the rest of my family was there.

Isaac and Will played football, watched football, talked football, dreamt football, or wrestled their way through Thanksgiving.

Emma Grace spent her time reading or cooking or locked in her room with Kenlee, playing.

Now it's back to the final few weeks before Christmas.

House is decorated.

Stockings are hung.

Shopping has commenced.

Bring it, Holidays!

Busted

So marriage is all about compromise, right?

But what do you do when you can't come to a compromise?

Like let's say, just off the top of my head, when one of you would love to let your non-shedding, super snuggly cockapoo up on the couch to cuddle, and the other one REALLY can't stand dogs on the furniture?

Obviously, the best solution in this scenario is to realize that you're lucky your husband even let you bring home another dog and keep said dog off the furniture OR only allow the dog up on the couch for snuggle sessions when your spouse is not home?

And it was all going so well.....

Enter last night:

Todd and I are snuggled up on the couch watching a movie (I'm sure you see where I'm going with this) and Coop comes strolling in and immediately jumps up in my lap to settle down for a long winter's nap.

Oh yes, he did.

Obviously, being the lovely person that I am, I quickly shoved him off and feigned complete and utter shock at his rash behavior.

And I think I'm a pretty good actress, but dammit, my husband is smart. I knew I should have married someone much dumber.

He turned to me and (in a very accusatory tone I might add) exclaimed, "you've been letting him up here when I'm not home, haven't you?!"

I responded that "while yes, that was most likely true; I thought it was a good compromise?"

He did not agree.

So  poor Little Cooper has been relegated back to the floor.

For which, I completely blame him. I mean, be cool dude. Be cool.

I thought he understood the risks.

Bless his little heart.

And I'm not proud of my actions, but in my defense......

how can you not want to snuggle with this?

Busted.

Totally and utterly busted.

A week in the Life Of.......

When your six year old has a sudden urge to display his artistic flare on walls and a leather couch,

rubbing alcohol and olive oil can be used to help remove the masterpiece.

When that same six year old brings home the class pet for a few days,

and the damn rodent darling hamster bites the crap out of him,

hydrogen peroxide can be used both to clean the cut, and get the blood stains out of your carpet.

When your nine year old takes the dogs out for a walk and one of the dogs drags him through mud,

an immediate bubble bath can help soothe aches and pains while getting dirt off the body.

When you're stuck in bed with a random bout of pneumonia and you feel like you are about to cough your lungs out of your body,

Having your ten year old daughter nearby perusing catalogs and catching your lungs as they fly out can be really helpful.

November 2015?
Not my favorite month so far......

Seeing Red

Please excuse me, as I take my completely flawed and human self and claw my way up to the top of my pretentious soapbox with this post.

Is it just me, or do you also feel that people wake up in the morning, grab a bite to eat, get dressed, and then try to decide what they should be offended by that day? I mean let's be honest, there is a plethora of possible offenses just laying in wait; including, but definitely not limited to: names of NFL football teams, debates on the proper use of the word "scholarship," which gender should be allowed in which bathrooms, the woman who dared to breastfeed her baby in a restaurant, the Halloween costume a celebrity wore, etc, etc, etc....... And I usually try not to get in the middle of political, social, educational, or, well basically, any type of debate on social media, because quite frankly, I feel it is a waste of both my time and yours, but today is not that day.

You see, I keep seeing these posts and rants about people boycotting Starbucks. Why? Not because their drinks cost the equivalent of a small mortgage payment, but because their holiday cups are not "Christmasy" enough. In fact, the company has been slammed for creating a "War Against Christmas." Don't believe me? Use the almighty power of your google button and you too can see what I'm talking about.

Here are the offensive cups this year that are "waging War on Christmas" -

Now Starbucks claims that they created these cups intentionally plain to "leave interpretation open for any type of holiday celebration." People refuse to believe that though and are accusing Starbucks of taking "the Christ out of Christmas."

Now, come on guys, I really don't think we can give Starbucks the credit for that. It is a sad state of affairs that our country has commercialized Christmas to the point that apparently certain people thought the Starbucks holiday cups from years past actually represented the true meaning of Christmas? In fact, I did a little investigating because I do like to indulge occasionally in an overpriced peppermint mocha, and I can't remember one Starbucks cup that has ever represented the true meaning of Christmas?

This one had an encouraging quote about hope.....but still no mention of Christmas or Jesus....

Oh wait. 
I stand corrected.

Remember the year the Three Wise Men hiked up their robes, laced up their skates, and figure skated their way to Bethlehem? And unto them a New Olympic Sport was born...the prizes? Gold, Frankincense, and myrrh.

My bad.

Now you may be thinking I'm not offended by the plain red cup because I obviously want the overpriced peppermint mocha (I do!), or maybe you think I just don't love Jesus enough to get mad? You would be wrong. I love me some Jesus. I love him even more than a peppermint mocha. I think Jesus is the absolutely greatest, most amazing thing that has ever happened in this world. EVER. But I gotta be honest here, I don't think Jesus cares one iota about the color of a Starbucks cup. I really don't. The fact that Jesus told Martha to quit worrying about the dishes and come spend time with him (which, by the way, is a great excuse to get out of doing dishes if you ever need one.....) makes me think he would definitely not care about a red paper cup that's going to end up in the trash can at the local mall. 

But heck, if you're determined to find Jesus in a Starbucks cup, tell everyone that since the cup is "open to interpretation," it obviously represents the blood of Christ. His blood and sacrifice is THE reason he was born. Nothing is more real reason for the season than His sacrifice, so try that interpretation on for size?  If that seems too preachy and you're looking for something more subtle, grab a sharpie and draw a picture of baby Jesus crowning away in the manger on that red cup. I mean nothing says let's celebrate the birth of Jesus like a graphic picture of the birth of Jesus! Can I get an AMEN?

But in all seriousness, if you are looking for Jesus this Christmas; holy cow, please don't be looking for Him in a Starbucks cup!

If you need to be offended by something, by all means, be offended. 

Raise a raucous and wage a war! But remember that you can't care about every single wrong thing in this world, so maybe choose your cause a little more wisely.

If you're having a hard time finding a cause, here's a few to get you started that really could make a difference:

Um....how about that problem called ISIS?

or

Why not rage war against human trafficking?


or

What about all the foster care kids that age out of the system with nowhere to go? They could use some love and care.
http://www.cnn.com/2014/04/16/opinion/soronen-foster-children/

or

 How about the injustice of childhood cancer? A high school friend of mine lost her daughter to cancer and started a great organization called Claire's Army to help families going through every parent's worst nightmare. Please, if you want to care about something? Care about those families!
www.clairesarmy.org

or

 What about our teachers who are underpaid and no longer feel safe in the classroom? Could we care about them instead?

Those are just five causes off the top of my head. Do your research; find something you're passionate about and fight for it. And if, after doing all that, you're still passionate about boycotting Starbucks, boycott away, but do it for a cause. Why not spend that $10 you would have spent on a coffee and scone to feed someone who is really hungry? Loaves and fishes, baby. Loaves and fishes. That's Jesus right there.

Instead of waking up each morning trying to find a new offense, let's go on the defense. Let's start each morning figuring out how we can show the world our Savior.

Stop criticizing a flawed world for not being the Jesus you want them to be and focus on being Him to a flawed world.

Okay that's enough preaching for now.
I'm off to Starbucks.
Peppermint Mocha Anyone?
Sharpie's Not Provided.

Helloween 2015

HAPPY HELLOWEEN, Y'ALL!

The kids went as the lego movie crew. They looked amazing thanks to the Hollands. Todd and I had shockingly little to do with the costumes this year.....Boo us. We didn't even buy or carve a pumpkin this year. We are scrooges. Total scrooges. Sorry Barron and Danelle. I would say we'll do better next year, but I think we all know....that's not going to happen.....

Our three were Batman, Wild Style, and Bad Cop.

 The Holland Three were UniKitty, RocketMan, and Emmett.

The Two that started all this Helloween Craziness ten plus years ago......

End of the night Trading Post. 

There were some serious deals going down in this room. 

Serious deals.

The costumes that we so graciously let our friends build.

I know, we're amazing.......

They're lucky to have us.......

One pic of all six legos before the real fun began.

And by real fun, I mean listening to Owen scream, watching Leah Kate's pants fall down because she couldn't get her hands back there to pull them up, pulling them up for her and then realizing I gave her a major wedgie, seeing multiple falls as they stumbled around like drunk people because they either could not see, or could not get their legs to move well in the cardboard, and realizing it was 100% worth it because they had a blast, and let's face it, Danelle and I pretty much laughed the whole way through all these shenanigans.

Love these kids.

Love love love doing life with these friends.

THANK YOU Barron and Danelle for making this awesome Halloween happen!

And as Danelle says, 

Next year? They're all six going as ghosts.

;)