Hope

We're coming around.

The news  and chaos are settling into our bones and our emotions and tears are slowing.

We have hope again.

This young girl is excited that her new school will still have a running club.

This little guy is on week two of his new medicine and this morning ate a cereal bar without complaint.

Without getting out of his chair.

Without crying and clearing his throat from pain.

We dare to Hope.

And this one?

He's our go with the flow guy.

But there have still been a few tears along the way.

And then yesterday he said, "I'm pretty sure I'll make some new friends at my new school next year."

I know you will, bud.

You're one friendly dude.

Hope.

Can't A Girl Be Bitter Around Here?

Dammit People,

I am trying my hardest to be a bitter, cynical, angry person here. 

And you people are making it hard with all your freaking kindness and support.

Enough is enough.

Let's back it up for a minute, shall we?

Those locusts we were waiting for?

They came.

In swarms.

Here's what happened in a nutshell and in no specific order, because it is honestly a blur in my head, which is either due to severe confusion, too much wine, or both?

Long story shortish - 

Owen's health is not getting better so our awesome team of UNC docs said we should probably just mosey back on up to the awesome team of doctors and therapists at St. Joseph's in New Jersey for another five weeks of intensive feeding therapy. Um yay? We start May 4th.

They also decided he needed to start another new drug. A big gun drug that we are not super comfortable with that has to be given through the tube three times a day at exact times. That's a lot of trips to the school until all the paperwork goes through and they can administer it themselves.

Oh and also, during all this, Owen decided biting was cool.
We think biting is not so cool so we're working on that.

After being hit with the St. Joseph news, and after much prayer and consideration, or like an hour where we freaked, and I do mean FREAKED THE EFF out, we decided to put our house on the market.

After deciding to put our house on the market to better afford our family's needs, we decided to buy a smaller town home nearby.

After spending a lot of time researching that town home and praying over that decision, or like an hour where we freaked, and I do mean FREAKED THE EFF out, we put in an offer, it was accepted and we were told we would close on March 31st. That's three weeks from yesterday.

And those three children that live here?
Well, quite understandably, they are freaking out as well.
Mucho Meltdowns.

So, I have a right to be bitter, right?
Can I get an AMEN with another glass of wine please?!

Wrong.

You see, I am a wee bit stubborn, but I have learned that God is a wee bit stubborner.
No, "stubborner" is not a word.
I do not care.

Because during all this, I turned my head to the sky, shook my fist, (please please please tell me you're imagining Scarlet here.....because I totally am.....) and said "I'm so done with you. I'm for real this time, God. I am so NOT talking to you right now!"

He said, "okay."

Me: I mean it, God. I'm done.

Him: Fine, but I'm not done. Watch this.

Me: Oh, bring it.

And He did. Because, like I said, He's stubborner.

When I was freaking out about Owen having to go to New Jersey, He used a group of six friends to start a fund for us to help with finances, and I can't even tell you how much that means. Did it mean our pride took a hit? Yes. But more important than our pride, we feel so so so loved and supported. And the costs of the trip? They're covered now people. Covered. Do you know how awesome that is?!
Financial Weight? LIFTED!

And in the midst of all of this? When I had two exams, He used a friend to encourage me and send me her notes and keep pushing me not to quit on this whole school dream. I don't want to quit, but when life feels this hard, sometimes it's hard to hang in there.

And when we needed the house to go on the market? He sent an army. Like literally, at least twenty people showed up and worked their tails off and made our house look amazing. We did not even know they were coming.

Me: Well crap, God. you're making it a little bit harder to be bitter. But don't you worry, I'm still going to try. 

His response?  Watch this. I'm bringing my A Game now.

The house sold in eleven hours people.

ELEVEN HOURS.

And the people buying it? They included a letter in their offer saying they were praying for our family and our transition. They said they wished us blessings. I mean, literally, God could have written that letter. He may as well have. Heck, He probably did.

Boo-Ya!
"A" Freaking Game

So I give up.

I'm waving the white flag of surrender.

I cannot argue with that; I mean, how the heck do you argue with that?!

That's what God does. He uses people. He doesn't give a crap if I'm mad at Him because that's not His gig. His gig is pursuing us, pursuing me. And He put on a full court press. He used all of His best tricks to pursue me in the last month. He used you. And it worked.

So from the bottom of my heart and soul, I thank you.

I thank you for your prayers.
I thank you for your donations.
I thank you for literally scrubbing my house with. a. freaking. toothbrush.
I thank you for listening to me.
I thank you for picking me up and dusting me off and helping me see Him again, helping me see HIS love again THROUGH you.

I needed that.

Is everything just roses and rainbows now?

Not really. Unfortunately, this is real life, not a hallmark movie.

We still have to move.
We still have to go to St. Joseph's.
I still have to deal with anxiety attacks through all this.
The kids still have to meet with a counselor to try to help them through all this.
Todd still has to ignore his pain by making a butt load of spread sheets.....and then making more spread sheets about how many spread sheets it will take for us to figure this all out........

But I am starting to talk to Him again.
There's still some anger, but I think when your kid is sick, there may always be a little bit of anger?
And maybe that's okay?
Maybe that's real life?

Maybe it's baby steps back to that place of complete trust.
Maybe I'll never get there, but I do know now that He will never stop pursuing me.

Full Court Press, People.

Beware.

When He brings it, He brings it.

As for everything that is still headed this way?

PS - Mom, aren't you so glad you gave me my book back senior year so I could quote Scarlet O'Hara years later on my blog?