Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Blank Space

I keep coming back to this space,
to this teeny tiny corner of the internet that I call my own,
and I watch the cursor blink and blink and blink,
and nothing.

Literally. For two weeks, I've just stared.
Blink. blink. blink. blink.

I need this space.
I love love love to write, but I struggle because sometimes I don't love love love to share.

Or I share, but then I feel guilty when I share only the good, like I'm holding up a reflection of our lives that is true, but not all the way true.

Or I share the hard stuff and then I feel guilty when I share only the hard stuff, because it's not all hard stuff either.

So basically, I always feel guilty, so then I type and erase and rewrite and erase and then I say screw it all, I need to be studying anyways, and I turn off the cursor and go back to my sometimes good, sometimes really hard life.

And today started with screaming and ended with screaming and had nothing but screaming in between. This  picture was our day. This was actually a different day when I was literally filming a melt down to show his behaviors to a doctor, but this was also today.

And you know what?
This pic actually was today.
This was screaming at the dinner table because his mouth hurt.
Because on top of autism, we still have the chronic disease that gives us nasty rashes no matter what we eat and believe me, I can read ingredients better than Superman can fly, and there was nothing on his plate that should have caused that reaction. Not one damn thing.

And sometimes I feel so alone in this battle.

So horribly alone because it NEVER goes away. 

And then my sister-in-law randomly throws me a lifeline. A reminder that I'm not alone. A reminder that she loves me and she's trying to understand what I go through.

And that reminder came in the form of this article she sent.

And this article nailed it on the freaking head.

And while parts of this article make me terribly sad, parts of this article make me very hopeful. Because I am not alone in this. There are other moms out there, right now, struggling with the things I struggle with. There are other moms worrying and fretting and wondering what tomorrow will be like? There are other tired-to-the-bone, literally living on coffee mama's, and if they can do it, I can do it too.

We can do it together.
Even if we can't sit in a coffee shop and hash this shit out in real life, (because who has time for that right now) we can read each other's blogs and connect on facebook and rally for each other. We can pray for each other like we've never prayed before.

And we can remember that we have an AWESOME sister-in-law who know our lives are hard and sends us a lifeline at the exact moment we need one.

And speaking of living on coffee, I left school and headed to work the other day and I treated myself to a Starbucks along the way........

I don't know about you guys,
but this cup offends the crap out of me.

Hearts and Love?! 

Come on Starbucks, pull it together.


1 comment:

  1. I can read your blogs and my heart hurts, or in the good times it soars, or in the really crappy times it breaks.....but to see a picture of dear sweet loving Owen with the rash in full force and the tears ready to break through. Well, that's when I have to take a moment and breathe. Just breathe. I remember how very real each day's struggle really is, and how each victory is actually far bigger than we even realize. I am praying here in my little corner of life....on this island I call home.....that there are more victories, less tears (oh, and screaming), less rashes (especially ones like tonight's "everything's ok" meal), and fewer days of just plain exhaustion. Well, maybe that last one is inevitable with 3 kids and nursing school full time. But in this proud grandma's world there is a LOT of prayer going on for each of you and a grateful prayer for my other daughter in law who threw you that needed lifeline!