Swimming and Fake Salons

Day Two was a bit harder than day one so we ended it with the only thing that makes sense when you've moved houses, finished a semester, lost your dog, and you're stuck in a hospital watching your kid work harder than he should have to work.....

We ended it with swimming and hair dye.

The pool makes my boy so so happy at the end of the day.

Sarah Ellen and I don't mind the pool too much either since we sit in lounge chairs and drink free beer while he swims.....

And just for the heck of it, I've always wanted to try being a brunette. I mean why not change my hair when everything around me is changing as well? 

So thanks to my free hair dresser and a box from Target.......

Not sure if I'll stick with it, but at least it's not green which was an actual fear I had. I was armed with a hat and the name of a salon should this end poorly. (I mean, not that I doubted my sister, who once tried to cut my ponytail off while I was brushing my teeth......but that's neither here nor there....)

So there you have it.

Day Two:

Hard Work,

Pool Time,

And a new Hair Do.

The Good, The Bad, and The Sister.

I know the title says we're starting with the good, but let's not do that. 

Let's start with crappy and end with happy.

Just because we can.

The Bad:

After 14 years with this amazing chocolate lab in our lives, we had to put her down last Wednesday. She lived a long, hopefully mostly happy life, but it was time. And it was hard. Our animals are so much more than just pets. My dad says that dogs are the only thing that love us more than themselves and I agree. 100%. Well Jesus does too. Dogs and Jesus. Not that I'm comparing Jesus to dogs. Just the love. Oh goodness. You know what I mean.......

Anywho - I want to tell you just one cool story about our sweet Kaia and then we'll move onto the good. I promise.

When we moved into our previous previous home two years into married life, the first thing our elderly neighbors said was, "we hope you don't have any dogs. We hate dogs." Oops. Um about that....we happen to have a one year old chocolate lab who loves to run and chase things and occasionally a lot of the time bark at a passerby.

And then she wormed her way into their hearts in the endearing way that she loved on everyone. We would come home and find out they had been giving her treats and throwing a stick with her. We had an invisible fence that she never crossed because she was a wuss but they would come over to play with her.

Fast forward about seven years....

We came home one day and found out Murray was in the hospital. When Todd went to visit him a few days later, he kept trying to tell Todd something but he couldn't talk well after the stroke. He finally got it out.

"Kaia. My best friend.

Kaia. Best Friend."

Come to find out, Murray had a stroke in his back yard.

Kaia ran through the invisible fence (shocking herself) and stood over his body barking continuously until Helen came out to see what was wrong?

That's Love, people.

That's a dog for you.

She had occasional moments where I wanted to kill her like when she ate all my students papers, our remote control, and gobs of toilet paper....or when she made me chase her in the pouring down rain while I was nine months pregnant with Owen, but I wouldn't change a thing. 

She was our first baby and she is MISSED!

RIP sweet girl. You made life much more enjoyable. You will not be forgotten.

And now for the good?

We just finished our first day at St. Josephs. Day one out of 25 and it's good? Really?

Yes.

We got over the mental hurdle of leaving the family. And believe me, it was a hurdle.

But we're here; we're adjusting, and Owen had a great first day. He ate all of his bites at every meal and warmed up to his therapists. His weight was good and we're already discussing all of our options for foods to introduce, etc. It is going to be hard work, but I am hopeful. And hope is good. I will try to update more after our big team meeting Thursday morning, but for now, here's a few things you can pray for if you get bored:

1. They're going to start challenging him towards the end of the week with more volume, textures, and new foods.

2. He has to have his g-tube replaced back to the correct size for his stoma. I'm scared. He's scared. Pray this goes smoothly.

3. Weight Gain. Weight Gain. Weight Gain. They will weigh him three times a week. This is serious business here. We need to see progress on FOOD so we can slow down on the g-tube. This is my NUMBER ONE goal for being here. I want to see this boy gain weight from FOOD. Not formula.

And now for the even better news?

Aunt Sarah Ellen is here. All the way from TX.

And we love us some Aunt Sarah Ellen. She's great with Owen and she makes me laugh. What more could you want? 

Oh wait.......

And then there's this too:

While you soak up that cuteness, I'm off to bed.

Bring it, Day Two.

The Rescuer

With final exams coming in less than a week, a messy house, and nothing packed or prepared for NJ, what better time than to take my messy messy thoughts and attempt to put them on the blog? After all, as my good friend Donnie says, "why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?" 

Why indeed? 

This week has been all about the countdown. Owen cried in my lap this morning about having to leave in a week and how Emma Grace and Isaac can't come with him. So I did what every good parent does and tried to put a positive spin on a five week hospital stay far away from everything he holds dear.

The tricks I pulled out of my bag?

-but Aunt Sarah Ellen is coming the same day we are!!

-there will be an indoor pool!!

-you'll get to ride in your new stroller a lot!

-there's a lake there! Remember when you played in the lake?!

To which he replied, 

"there's a lake here too, Mom."

Touche son.

Touche.

It's hard to turn a crappy situation into rainbows with a child who sees everything as black and white. He is not easily snowed.

But he is excited and in love with his new stroller. He tells anyone who will listen about it. He loves loves loves it and wanted to ride in it in Target the other night. Target. It is highly possible that we have created a monster.

The older two are adjusting to the impending separation. There have been some tears this week, but my hope is that they will be so busy with school and friends that they won't even notice we're gone? Sounds reasonable, right? And we're also spoiling them in an attempt to assuage any fears. After dinner the other night, they asked to split a milkshake? Yes kids, suck down that sugary treat. And next week when you're bummed that Mom and Owen are gone? You best remember.........we let you have that milkshake.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.
Parenting at its finest.

Speaking of parenting at its finest, my dad sent me this sermon this week. And wow. It was all about trying to see Jesus. And this part really resonated with me:

Sixth, if “we want to see Jesus,” there is
suffering involved. I hate that.
The second part of the Table shows us
suffering. The cup is his blood, and
blood is pain, blood is suffering, blood is
death.
And that's WHERE HE IS, where people
suffer. So that's where we have to go to
see him. Didn't he say, if you fed the
hungry, visited the sick, it was doing
those things to him? So if we avoid the
sick, avoid the hungry, then WHOM are
we avoiding?
How will we see him if we don't want to
go where he goes?
If any man wants to come after me,
let him deny himself, take up his
cross and follow me.
That is where he went after the cup -- to
the cross. A disciple is not above his
teacher.

Ugh. Couldn't we just go to church?

Some of you are almost laughing, except
it isn't funny. Here I am talking about
"if" suffering is involved, and whether we
want to go there or not, and you're
already THERE.
You’re LIVING there, in suffering that is,
and you WISH TO GOD that you could
live somewhere else. It's not a theory.
You're hurting now.
Debilitating illness, the ravages of age,
unfair death of a loved one, emotional
pain, injustice all around you. Lost your 
job, lost your house. You are hurting
now, you don't understand, and it's not
fair, and it's not SUPPOSED to be this
way.
There is good news and strange news.
Through the suffering of Christ came
forgiveness of sins. If we suffer along
with him, if our suffering is like this, 
what does that mean?
....................
We want to give you Jesus, not hell.
I am sure some of you have more than a
taste of hell in this life.
We believe Jesus rescues us. From the
hell of this world, and the next.
Rescue. "It's what he does, and it's all
he does, and he will not stop." 
-Mike Tucker

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in our own suffering and forget that there was someone out there who suffered far greater than we do. Someone who suffered so that ultimately, at the end of this life, our suffering can end.  We may have "lost" our house, we may have illness, we may have to work hard at our marriage in these trying times, we may have to try to explain hard things to young children, but if all this brings us closer to seeing Him? To seeing his miracles? To being a part of his rescue?

Well dang.
That makes me pretty grateful.

Thanks Dad for the much needed reminder.

After all, "life is like a box of chocolates.

You never know what you're gonna get?"

But we do know one thing.

We can be confident of one thing:

"Rescue. It's what he does, and it's all he does, and he will not stop."

So as we pack our bags and prepare for change, we can take hope with us. Hope that through it all, we will see Jesus. We'll pack that hope right in the suitcase and carry it with us and pull it out when the going gets tough. And if we lose that hope or forget about it or leave it zipped up in the suitcase, I'm sure our friends will remind us that it is there. It exists.

Because our friends and our family are awesome like that.

So basically, what I'm trying to say in my messy jumbled up brain is this:

Life is messy.
Owen loves his stroller.
The bigs are adjusting.
We have good friends.
We have awesome parents.
We have each other.
We have Jesus.

What more could you need?

The End.

New Wheels

I ordered some new wheels today.

Don't get too excited. 

Unfortunately they're not for me or Todd.....

They're for Owen.

After much research, and multiple times where we're in public places and he is overwhelmed by the crowd and wants to be carried, we decided to bite the bullet and purchase a special needs stroller. 

This is not a cheap decision and we are SO SO SO SO SO blessed to be able to use money raised by friends to make this purchase. So blessed. And awed. And amazed. And humbled. And excited about what this means for our family.

There was part of me that was scared I would have to talk him into it because he's bigger now and "strollers are for babies." Well apparently that's my own insecurity. I'm 100% sure I will be self conscious that people will judge me and my six year old in the stroller, but I'll have to get over it because I just showed him this picture and he was so excited!! Apparently he knows he gets overwhelmed and tires easily and he likes being strapped in and feeling secure. Oh, and he wants a sun shade on it. So back to amazon I go, because if he will ride in this better with a sun shade and save my arms and back, it will be money well spent.

So look out, New Jersey.

Here we come, in T-2 weeks and 3 days, rocking our new wheels yo.

Gulp.

 The countdown has begun.

PS - if you are a special needs family and want to know how the stroller works out, message me, and I'll give feedback in a few weeks. (Reading reviews really helped me!)

Ain't Nobody Got Time for that Bunny

Sometimes life (and holidays) just aren't what you think they will be. Easter 2015 was definitely one of those times. I had visions of family pics in our new house, somewhat matching and decent outfits, Easter baskets filled with candies, treats and, something special for each kid, etc. You know - the works - because when somebody dies for your sins and then they rise from the dead, it's kind of a big deal.

Instead of an awesome celebration, our Easter looked like this:

Literally, I made nothing for Easter. Not one hard boiled egg or resurrection roll or special treat. The kids got one basket with nine eggs full of jelly beans  (so that's a whopping three eggs each) and they got a gift card. Lackluster to say the least. And when EG started crying because there was no ham in the oven when she got home from church and I told her the oven was empty like the tomb, she said, I probably shouldn't use that excuse anymore. Dang. Harsh. And just FYI, we had ham the next night because I'm a bad mom, but I'm not THAT bad. A late celebration is better than no celebration, right?

And I didn't get any pics or input into their clothing because I was still asleep with Owen when they left for church. When a friend dropped the older two back home, well, let's just say.......their outfits were interesting. Isaac wore a black and red striped flannel shirt, and EG had on a black dress with hot pink running tights and winter fur lined boots. And Sister definitely did not brush her hair. Like at all.

Yup. Life with Owen oft throws a kink in our plans and we got no choice but to roll with it. Dude was one sick little boy and we're so glad he's feeling better now and actually went back to school today. And I vow to maybe/hopefully do better next year? Like maybe I'll lay out their clothes the night before and put a flashing neon sign in the bathroom that says BRUSH YOUR FREAKING HAIR!?

Anywho -

before stomach viruses and flannel/fur lined lackluster Easter celebrations - we did a little something called moving. And painting.

I painted the crizzap out of our little town home and I'm obsessed with my kitchen color.

I could stare at it all day long.

And the kids were troopers when I dragged them to the paint store over and over and over and over and over and over again. The samples were $1. We ended up with 15 samples and 7 gallons and my picture was posted outside the store asking me not to enter and bug Earl the Paint Guy. Again. EVER.

So we're settling in to our new home and making new lackluster memories that include, but are not limited to, climbing walls to try to make Owen smile.

And even though I didn't go to church on Easter Sunday, I'm still rocking my new Jesus shirt that a friend gave me:

 because it's true.

I do love Jesus.

And I do cuss a little a lot.

Hope

We're coming around.

The news  and chaos are settling into our bones and our emotions and tears are slowing.

We have hope again.

This young girl is excited that her new school will still have a running club.

This little guy is on week two of his new medicine and this morning ate a cereal bar without complaint.

Without getting out of his chair.

Without crying and clearing his throat from pain.

We dare to Hope.

And this one?

He's our go with the flow guy.

But there have still been a few tears along the way.

And then yesterday he said, "I'm pretty sure I'll make some new friends at my new school next year."

I know you will, bud.

You're one friendly dude.

Hope.

Can't A Girl Be Bitter Around Here?

Dammit People,

I am trying my hardest to be a bitter, cynical, angry person here. 

And you people are making it hard with all your freaking kindness and support.

Enough is enough.

Let's back it up for a minute, shall we?

Those locusts we were waiting for?

They came.

In swarms.

Here's what happened in a nutshell and in no specific order, because it is honestly a blur in my head, which is either due to severe confusion, too much wine, or both?

Long story shortish - 

Owen's health is not getting better so our awesome team of UNC docs said we should probably just mosey back on up to the awesome team of doctors and therapists at St. Joseph's in New Jersey for another five weeks of intensive feeding therapy. Um yay? We start May 4th.

They also decided he needed to start another new drug. A big gun drug that we are not super comfortable with that has to be given through the tube three times a day at exact times. That's a lot of trips to the school until all the paperwork goes through and they can administer it themselves.

Oh and also, during all this, Owen decided biting was cool.
We think biting is not so cool so we're working on that.

After being hit with the St. Joseph news, and after much prayer and consideration, or like an hour where we freaked, and I do mean FREAKED THE EFF out, we decided to put our house on the market.

After deciding to put our house on the market to better afford our family's needs, we decided to buy a smaller town home nearby.

After spending a lot of time researching that town home and praying over that decision, or like an hour where we freaked, and I do mean FREAKED THE EFF out, we put in an offer, it was accepted and we were told we would close on March 31st. That's three weeks from yesterday.

And those three children that live here?
Well, quite understandably, they are freaking out as well.
Mucho Meltdowns.

So, I have a right to be bitter, right?
Can I get an AMEN with another glass of wine please?!

Wrong.

You see, I am a wee bit stubborn, but I have learned that God is a wee bit stubborner.
No, "stubborner" is not a word.
I do not care.

Because during all this, I turned my head to the sky, shook my fist, (please please please tell me you're imagining Scarlet here.....because I totally am.....) and said "I'm so done with you. I'm for real this time, God. I am so NOT talking to you right now!"

He said, "okay."

Me: I mean it, God. I'm done.

Him: Fine, but I'm not done. Watch this.

Me: Oh, bring it.

And He did. Because, like I said, He's stubborner.

When I was freaking out about Owen having to go to New Jersey, He used a group of six friends to start a fund for us to help with finances, and I can't even tell you how much that means. Did it mean our pride took a hit? Yes. But more important than our pride, we feel so so so loved and supported. And the costs of the trip? They're covered now people. Covered. Do you know how awesome that is?!
Financial Weight? LIFTED!

And in the midst of all of this? When I had two exams, He used a friend to encourage me and send me her notes and keep pushing me not to quit on this whole school dream. I don't want to quit, but when life feels this hard, sometimes it's hard to hang in there.

And when we needed the house to go on the market? He sent an army. Like literally, at least twenty people showed up and worked their tails off and made our house look amazing. We did not even know they were coming.

Me: Well crap, God. you're making it a little bit harder to be bitter. But don't you worry, I'm still going to try. 

His response?  Watch this. I'm bringing my A Game now.

The house sold in eleven hours people.

ELEVEN HOURS.

And the people buying it? They included a letter in their offer saying they were praying for our family and our transition. They said they wished us blessings. I mean, literally, God could have written that letter. He may as well have. Heck, He probably did.

Boo-Ya!
"A" Freaking Game

So I give up.

I'm waving the white flag of surrender.

I cannot argue with that; I mean, how the heck do you argue with that?!

That's what God does. He uses people. He doesn't give a crap if I'm mad at Him because that's not His gig. His gig is pursuing us, pursuing me. And He put on a full court press. He used all of His best tricks to pursue me in the last month. He used you. And it worked.

So from the bottom of my heart and soul, I thank you.

I thank you for your prayers.
I thank you for your donations.
I thank you for literally scrubbing my house with. a. freaking. toothbrush.
I thank you for listening to me.
I thank you for picking me up and dusting me off and helping me see Him again, helping me see HIS love again THROUGH you.

I needed that.

Is everything just roses and rainbows now?

Not really. Unfortunately, this is real life, not a hallmark movie.

We still have to move.
We still have to go to St. Joseph's.
I still have to deal with anxiety attacks through all this.
The kids still have to meet with a counselor to try to help them through all this.
Todd still has to ignore his pain by making a butt load of spread sheets.....and then making more spread sheets about how many spread sheets it will take for us to figure this all out........

But I am starting to talk to Him again.
There's still some anger, but I think when your kid is sick, there may always be a little bit of anger?
And maybe that's okay?
Maybe that's real life?

Maybe it's baby steps back to that place of complete trust.
Maybe I'll never get there, but I do know now that He will never stop pursuing me.

Full Court Press, People.

Beware.

When He brings it, He brings it.

As for everything that is still headed this way?

PS - Mom, aren't you so glad you gave me my book back senior year so I could quote Scarlet O'Hara years later on my blog?