Friday, June 8, 2012

Whole Foods...aka My Own Personal Hell

It's the first day of summer here and we had to venture out to Whole Foods.

I swear demons camp among the aisles of the organic, healthy, allergen free foods and attack my children the second our feet cross the threshold, thereby turning them each into some variant reincarnation of the devil himself.

Today, Emma Grace became the Pouty Devil, complete with real tears and shoe stomping along the floor so that everyone could hear her coming from a mile away. And lest anyone mistakenly misinterpret her misery at grocery shopping versus swimming, she also crossed her arms and sighed multiple times, each sigh gaining in both longevity and volume. It was a performance worthy of an Oscar.

Isaac became the Monkey Devil who climbed anything that was climbable until he was practically hanging from the rafters on the ceiling and eating bananas.

And Owen was the Pissy Devil. Because he pissed everywhere. Twice. And then he screamed because each incident involved changing into shorts he detested.

And now we're home. 

And they've been sent to their rooms to wait patiently for the priest to come perform the exorcisms. 

And I've decided that a grocery store that is stocked full of natural foods that are supposedly great for the physical body is actually quite damaging to the soul.

The Exorcist 
(Pic from The Exorcist)


  1. This was hilarious to read. You paint such a vivid picture. I had to go to the store with just Kenlee and she was trying to ram the cart into everyone there, so I can imagine your torture...

  2. I was laughing, feeling badly for you, but laughing as I read this! Allisen is right about the vivid picture! My sweet little angels with the devil in them for sure! Love you!

  3. Ohh, Rachel! I hope you feel better - and I hope that you are already able to laugh about this today. Just in case, though, I want to assure you that one day you will look back and think it was hilarious, especially the part about the "little pisser."

    I remember some shopping trips with the younger versions of Elizabeth and Nick that were fraught with tears and tantrums (theirs and mine), multiple trips to the nasty grocery store/mall restroom because of potty training, accidents in the grocery cart because of potty training, and having the frozen foods defrosted before we even checked out.

    The moral of the story - go easy on yourself and avoid the grocery store with anyone who is potty training. Order your regular groceries from Harris Teeter or Lowes for a few weeks so you can just drive through their pick up lane. It will be worth the few extra bucks. And if you make a detailed list of what you need from Whole Foods, I will go and shop for you - I love spending other people's money. :)


  4. Oh Rachel! While this story was amusing, it was also something I think most parents can empathize with. Next time you have to go grocery shopping, give me a shout and see if I am home. I only live a couple of miles from the store and the WFM imps can stay at WFM and leave your little ones alone. Plus I have a great backyard complete with a small pool, plastic toys to climb on, and trees for potty training boys to pee on. :) It might be a little more in gas, but it would save you in exorcism fees.

  5. you tard- CALL ME! drop your kids off and go by yourself. Don't you remember last time you went?

  6. LOL. As the husband I am supposed to fix the situation right? I put a bottle of sedatives, a roll of duct tape and a port-o-potty in the van for next time. Seriously thanks for managing the flock and for posting stuff like this to make me laugh. I definitely married up :)