Remember road trips back in the day? The trips our parents took us on? The trips where they packed the back of the station wagon with crayons and books and maybe a walk-man if you were lucky. Picture this: there were no DVD players in cars. Hell, there weren't even CD players in cars. There were no cell phones or ipads or kindles or tablets - just a family of five barreling down the road playing Punch Buggy or the ABC sign game or beating the crap out of each other in the back seat because one child crossed "the invisible line" that led into another child's cramped space. And if your family was anything like mine, about every 3.8 seconds, one of the kids would ask the question that I'm sure made my parents' toes curl and had them wishing their diet cokes were spiked with rum.
(Maybe they were? I'm certainly not judging.)
"ARE WE THERE YET?!"
We asked it even though the answer was obvious. No, we weren't there yet. We weren't even close. We hadn't even made it out of our Houston neighborhood yet. What were we? Idiots?
(Yes. Yes, we were idiots.)
And apparently I am still an idiot today. Because that is my question over and over and over and over and over again.
Are we there yet?
Can this madness end yet?
Can Owen just be a healthy "normal" kid yet?
Can my other two just have a taste of a stress-free day yet?
Can Todd and I stop taking this unbelievably high level of stress out on each other yet?
For the Love of all things Holy, ARE WE THERE YET?!
I ask and I ask and I ask.
And God quietly responds, No.
So I ask one more time, you know, just to be sure.
And His answer is still a quiet, but a firm No.
We are not there yet. In fact, it feels like we just did a U-turn. There is no approximate time of when we will arrive at our destination. The apple map icon says reroute and keep driving.
Monday's appointment was full of disappointment and poop. Literally. Not only did he not gain weight, but Owen lost almost a pound from when we were discharged from St. Josephs. SERIOUSLY?! His abdomen was "impacted with poop" on x-rays which led to a lovely colon cleanse. SERIOUSLY?! We cannot increase his volume of food yet for various reasons, and so we are back to the drawing board? SERIOUSLY?! Where do we sneak in these extra calories? We sneak them in through milk and formula. Again!
We try another medication. Again!
We cross our fingers. Again!
We hope that maybe this will be the magic formula we need to increase the weight on that scale.....Again!
So NO, we are most definitely NOT there yet.
We're not even close.
We're still circling the Houston neighborhood.
And even though frustrations abound because we know He has the power to heal all things; we also know that He is faithful and His will is far superior to mine. His plans always exceed my expectations. In seasons like this, seasons where we get on the freeway and continue to drive in circles that feel as if they lead nowhere, I have to have faith that He is blessing me on this road trip. Because He is.
And I can choose to see the blessings of smiles, stolen hugs, puppy shenanigans, late night laughter with the hubs, impromptu dates with my daughter, or I can choose to see the frustrations, the scariness, the endlessness of a chaotic schedule.
Oh man I wish I could say I see the blessings today, but that's not real life.
Today I see the latter. I'm a ball of pent up anxiety. I'm done. I'm over it. I'm one bite of oatmeal away from screaming into a pillow. I'm just done. So so so done today.
Which is why I'm here: Writing. Digging my heels in and trying to find the good.
And a friend posted this quote the other day.
"I want you to be all mine - overflowing with My Love, Joy, and Peace. Because these divine gifts leak out of you, you need Me continually for renewal. Your neediness is not a mistake or defect: It keeps you looking to Me, depending on Me, communicating with Me."
-Jesus Lives by Sarah Young.
How true it is. If my life was the "normal" I crave, would I still CRAVE Him?
I don't know the answer to that.
I really, really wouldn't mind testing the theory, but all I can do is trust.....
And hang on for the ride.
And maybe spike my diet coke with rum.
No judgement please. ;)