For Realz

In bible study the other night we talked about being real. We talked about not pretending that we have it all together. We talked about admitting when we're weak and when we need help. And I think that this concept of "being real" is hard for some women. Sometimes we like to sit back and judge other women and moms who don't seem to have it all together and ignore the many ways that we ourselves fall short. And we all fall short. And I think I always want to seem like I have it all together even though I definitely don't.

So in the interest of being real, I'll confess that I'm in the trenches right now. My son is definitely in the trenches right now. We are spending a lot of our days at doctor appointments and therapy. We are hearing things that are scary to us. And I'm not trying to be secretive or dramatic or drum up sympathy, I'm just trying to be honest. I don't like being in the trenches. And I definitely don't like watching my son there. And in the interest of admitting that I don't have it all together, I'll admit that the past few weeks have been a slow, free-falling I can't do this breakdown that culminated in one phone call yesterday that put me in my place. There is nothing better than friends who climb down into the trenches with you, see you in your ugly place, and put you in the place you so need to be.

And these words were sent to me by that same friend. And they are exactly what I needed to hear. And I keep reading them over and over because right now I just can't hear them enough.

"...but I truly believe that if we allow ourselves to admit we are weak, admit that we just don't understand, admit that we are so freaking tired of how things are at the moment, then and only then can God work in us, and use our situations to grow us. These moments that we dread, hate, run the other direction from - these are the very moments when God wants us to lean on Him - lean on Him hard."

So there you have it.
I admit it: I'm weak and I'm struggling.
And you know what? Sometimes I'm even a little bit angry at God.
But I'm still leaning on Him....
for him:

This sweet little boy who is still a baby in my eyes.

And anytime I seem like I have it all together or anytime it seems like I'm "handling it all with grace," it is only because of Him. It is only because He is the foundation underneath the trench. It is only because He can hear and see me at my worst, when I'm literally cursing Him, and still give me peace in my heart that things are going to be okay. And His love doesn't get more real than that.

And that is for realz.